The last several days have been difficult physically and emotionally. I don’t regard this as bad news, in fact I regard it as the best possible news. The difficulty has provided me with the opportunity to dig in to some shit that has been sitting in my heart for a long time. It’s hard to talk when walking in to a 40 mph head wind so, one has lots of time to be with thoughts, emotions and all the stuff that comes up when there is no where to go and no where to hide.
There has literally been nothing else to do but put one foot in front of the other. There hasn’t even been the option of distracting myself with excitement about the next destination because each town has been deeper into the “arse hole of nowhere” (I got that one from my Irish friends), and each albergue has been a little bit less desirable than the last. Again, I regard this as good news because it has given me the opportunity to sit with my financial insecurity for five days and to confront all sorts of fear and insecurity. Staying with these things is not my usual M.O., and I typically do whatever I can to avoid feeling this stuff. Staying with the feelings has started to dissolve some of the fear that is at the bottom of the deep pit where this stuff lives. Without the option of escape, I have been forced to acknowledge that I really don’t have a lot of control over most of the stuff I worry about. It has also led me to the realization that I worry about things that are not really problems. I worry about things like not being a millionaire some day (I’m serious here people, it’s a little crazy in there)! All of this worry is just about the same as walking in to that 40 mph head wind, it gets me nowhere fast. The only thing that moves me down the road is one foot in front of the other. The problem is that I think I want to sit on my ass and have everything come to me on a tray. It turns out that I don’t actually want that. The camino is teaching me a lesson that every self help book in the world has already told me, that the destination is not actually what it’s about. It’s the journey. I guess, I need to experience things in order to learn.
So, now we’re on to the anger that has started to pop up. I’ve been waiting for it and avoiding it at the same time. Most of the anger is currently directed at Kaiser, but I know that well is also deep. I also know that it is linked to the well of fear by an underground tunnel. I currently have a rash that I only get when I’m processing anger. I’ll keep you updated.
Love to you all and I miss you too. I’ll be home on July 4, Independence Day.